Recent conversations with women have reminded me (again!) that expectations influence how we use our precious time each day. We consider what others expect of us—and what we expect of ourselves—as we decide what we will do and what we will put off until another day.
When I began writing this post, I thought I would write about unrealistic expectations. I changed my mind. Many of us have already shed unrealistic expectations. What remains are a different type of expectation—requests that are communicated in ways that stress how little time and energy they will require of you. A couple of examples come to mind:
– A friend is hosting a party next weekend. Knowing that you are balancing many responsibilities, she asks if you can stop by for just a few minutes. “Everyone would love to see you.”
– A friend asks you to pick up groceries for her when you are doing your food shopping. You are happy to do it. The next week, and the one after that, your friend asks you to do this again because, after all, the store is practically on your way home from the office. “It’s just a few things.”
We wouldn’t categorize either of these requests as burdensome. Who would say no to “just a few minutes or “just a few things”? Probably not you! You are kind and helpful. You are a good friend. You don’t want to disappoint your friends, your family, or your colleagues. You don’t want to disappoint anyone. Of course you don’t. Yet, the most effective way to shed expectations is to avoid accepting them. If only this were also the easiest way!
Maybe it’s time to make a list of loving ways to say “NO” to those easy-to-do things that we do not want to do.
Then, we won’t need creative ways to shed expectations.
A lot of expectations I would like to shed are from myself. For the life of me I can’t remember where they came from in the first place. No more going above and beyond. Baking cakes from scratch when store bought is fine or doing a (daily) deep clean like someone’s going to come over and notice a bit of dust on my skirting boards.
Yep it’s the easy favors that catch us off guard
I loved this piece so much! Thank you! That “just a few minutes” we know is never minutes! These expectations are so subtle and yet they really do guide our actions AND our calendars. . . Time has taken on a new hue the last 18 months and with that I need to do a little excavating and unearthing of these expectations — I am certain I will get back precious moments and, in the process, set some new boundaries!
For me it is the bigger expectations, not necessarily unrealistic, but conventional. As women it seems inevitable that if we live with others it will fall to us to do the bulk of the shopping, the cleaning, the caring, the housekeeping and maintaining the scaffolding that keeps things functioning. We are often afraid that if we stop, things will fall apart, we will spin into chaos. There’s a balance to be found in challenging why things are done the way they always have been, feeling comfortable with change, and pausing. Perhaps if we let go, we might lift off and fly?