Unrealistic expectations are burdens we choose to carry or to leave behind. Some of those expectations are our own and some are rooted in what others want from us. We have experimented with setting and resetting boundaries. We have learned to say “no” more often. We can pause for a moment to celebrate our progress.
And yet…
Last week, I heard myself speak a sentence that began with the words “I should.” You can imagine that the rest of the sentence included a brief description of something I did not want to do. Why, I wondered, did I continue to should myself? No answer came to me but I vowed to notice every time the word should appeared in my thoughts or in what I said. It appeared frequently—a subtle self-judgement about how I was choosing to use my time. I don’t know why this surprised me, but it did.
I then noticed how often I heard others casually mention what they should do even though it was not what they wanted to do. If I was talking with a friend or member of my family who said they should so something, I asked, “Why should you?” The immediate response was usually this: “I just should.”
How do so many of us allow ourselves to be trapped in the land of should? Our reasons are as unique as we are. In exploring my own reasons, I recognize that it is time to let them go. Today, I am breaking out of should-land!
To those of you who have successfully escaped, I welcome your advice and suggestions. To those who are still planning their escape, please let us hear from you, too. None of us belongs in the land of should.
I’ve caught myself often « shoulding » about myself. Others should about themselves continuously.
It’s not easy to stop shoulding however if I replace it with « I will » it usually helps.
« I should exercise = I will exercise »
« I should eat more veggies = I will eat more veggies »
« I should look at this project = I will look at this project »
Etc…
You can also replace the « I will » with « I won’t » AND accept it. For example « I should exercise but today I won’t and will enjoy my Netflix marathon ».
My son is a young lawyer and is learning to deal with stress. For the first couple of years, every weekend he would say « I should go to the office », often he would but the times he wouldn’t, the « shoulding » would ruin his weekend.
Now in his third year, he’s finally grasping the decision making. He’s also managing his stress by accepting to say « maybe I should, but today I won’t ». More importantly he’s realizing that life goes on and his work week is more or less busy depending on his « I will » or « I won’t » decisions.
The « I should » in life is often guilt ridden. The « I will » or « I won’t » and the acceptance of our decision makes life much easier.
I love your post Jeannette. It is a great change to make!!
LOVE THIS Sharon
After reading your post I have decided I will write down a list of things I feel I should do and choose not to do them
One of my therapists brought this word up with me, mostly because I tend to ruminate on the past… “I should have done this.” So, another word we replaced it with is “could.” I could have done this, but I didn’t. Why? I made a choice, and I need to own that choice. It took me years to finally be able to say, I don’t regret anything in my life. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be where I am today, and I’m happy I can say that I’m okay with where I am today, still recognizing there’s more work for me to do. I can’t remember if replacing the word with “could” helped, but I feel like it was a good first step!
Outstanding! I want to join you, Sharon, in escaping “should-land.” I’ll watch for those moments when — and where — I can’t replace “should” with “want.” A perfect litmus test!